Beasts in me

Yesterday I was asked which animal I would choose as my power animal. I blabbered on about being born in a year of Monkey and other silliness along the Chinese calendar just short of starting to babble on about Zodiac signs. Oh dear, was I ever unprepared to answer that question. So to compensate for the half-conscious blabbering let's see what I actually am.

If one would try to analyze me through the beasts that make it onto my desktop screen I would probably be a falcon or an owl. Both fascinate me to no end. Turtles come next. The amount of pictures I downloaded from NGM that involves turtles can be only compared to the amount of pictures of my own daughter on my work desktop. And last on my list is luna moth. This creature seems to be weaved from magic and doesn't belong in this world.

And finally there is Totoro. I am in love with him. I have several desktops with him and they the most joyful, vibrant and magical pictures imaginable.

I guess I am not really much of a monkey :)

Fictional Me

As I mentioned recently I've joines Toastmasters. I needed to do something for myself, and a colleague of mine did put some effort into advertising the group. And it's not that I have a fear of public speaking - I am vain enough to consider myself articulate enough to stand up in front of a group... But at the same time since English is not my first language I also that there some huge gaps in my perception of spoken language. I cannot hear myself speak and therefore I cannot correct myself, if that makes any sense. I'm certain that a fair share of Ums and Ehs and Ahs also find their way into my speech even without my realization. So Toastmasters became my first step in my quest to find the new and improved me. You know - the one who actually can sew, bake, parent, write? That gal is something else, I tell you.... But whoever she is - she is not me. Yet.

So tomorrow I present my first speech - The Icebreaker, to the group. Here is the beginning (that I'm sure will be rewritten three-four before I actually present it)

The fall

One of the vivid memories of my childhood is me racing the car. I believe I was 5 or 6 at the time. We were on a long trip to the Black Sea. My mom ran to the Soviet equivalent of the mall to buy me a pair of rubber boots. It was the time of Perestroyka so rubber boots were one of the many items that had disappeared from the shelves of the stores. While my parents shopped, my grandparents stayed by the car. I was picking flowers. I was probably about 20 meters away from our car when I saw another car coming. Clutching the flower in my hand I made a wish. If I could reach our car BEFORE the other car – my wish would come true. I gained speed and…. Crash landed just short of our car, the flower still securely clutched in my hand. My forehead, nose, lips and chin were scraped raw, my knees and elbows were all bloody and I lost a front tooth. Pretty as a picture! So there I was -- a dreamer, tripped by reality.

**************************************************************

Feel free to tell me about any "mostakes" in my not-yet-a-speech :)

New beginnings

I am a person who likes to begin things. And I am also easily discouraged by failure and loss. but the thing is - it's not who I want to be. I want to be ME. Strong, courageous, beautiful, clever, insightful, kind... I want to be all those things to be able to show my kids that one doesn't have to be perfect to the view of the world but just to oneself. If I can accept myself as such person, won't I be able to accept that my failures are okay? I may still want to improve, but shouldn't I still love myself even if I fail? Enough of that. You see my point - I need to start being me, even if I don't know who that is.

Step 1. I joined Toastmasters. If you never heard of such a thing - look them up. Public speaking is not my forté, so it's a good start. My first assignment is my Icebreaker speech. Subject of the speech - ME. But of course. Do they think I know who I am? Do they actually believe that it's the easiest topic out there? Nevertheless. Once I'm done with the speech I may post it on here, but for now, I just keep writing it in my head. Obsessively.

Step 2. I started going to a yoga class. *gasp*
I"ve now done two classes of easy beginner yoga and I love it. The fact that simple stretching excercize can make me ache for 3 days afterwards is alarming, but the pelasure of feeling my muscles do something is definitely worth it.

Step 3. Maintain the house. No longer I have a Mount Washmore (aka laundry) in my third bedroom. It's folded. The sink is clean every night before I go to bed. Dishwasher is working. Lunches are made in the evening, so that mornings can be dedicated to decaf coffee, my little Sophia and some cuddles. Shower would be nice too :)

This is not it. I need to get back in with cooking, exploring my new cook books (hey Jamie, did you miss me?), reading that photography book and of course - getting some use of my fan-frigging-tactic sewing machine. But for now, I'll take it slow. Baby steps.